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  • Fake Politeness

    There are many forms of hypocritical behaviour that people exhibit. One of them is outwardly "polite" behaviour which is the exact opposite of their true intentions.

    What do you think of people who try to present a veneer of politeness?

    In what ways can people protect themselves from those who use fake politeness to manipulate people?

    Should people expose others for exhibiting fake politeness? In what ways should they expose them?

    What are some other forms of non-genuine behaviour shown by people which are in contrast to their real intentions? How can you protect yourself from such people?

  • #2
    What do you think of people who try to present a veneer of politeness?
    Often it's just environmental adaptation because of avoiding pointless arguing with extremists, zealots and idiots.
    Other type of fake politeness is the group who tries to find somebody for a confrontation for the sake of gaining attention or other kind of benefits.

    In what ways can people protect themselves from those who use fake politeness to manipulate people?
    If your argumentation is credible discussion with such manipulative person will transit very likely into emotional escalation with insults, intimidation and provocation.
    After this point is it mostly very easy to dismantle the credibility of such manipulator.

    Should people expose others for exhibiting fake politeness? In what ways should they expose them?
    Mostly it's a fight against windmills, because such people even if you exposed them a day before come a day after with the same fake politeness as nothing had happened.
    Everybody has a reason for fake politeness, expose the true reason and you expose the person.

    What are some other forms of non-genuine behaviour shown by people which are in contrast to their real intentions? How can you protect yourself from such people?
    I think the next one very common kind of manipulation is the peer pressure.
    However the psycho mechanic behind is very similar, "you're with us or against us."

    Comment


    • #3
      Fake politeness associates with passive aggression in my opinion. When a person gets angry and exactly shows their emotions, it is fine, we know the way they feel, they do not pretend that nothing that triggered their reactions happened. I always prefer open aggression in people because then I know how they really feel, I know they do not pretend everything's fine and such people usually do not take any revenge after the situation gets solved but those who use passive aggression are much more mean and cunning - they pretend things are fine but after communicating with them you feel like shit...I absolutely dislike such forms of behaviour.

      Fake politeness, passive aggression makes an aggressor look as if they're poor victims for those who do not get their manipulative behaviour. The last time I saw this filthy behaviour in real was when one student silently told one teacher, my colleague, disgusting things when she passed by. The student spoke in the manner so that only the teacher heard this and when that teacher reacted in an emotional way, that 'poor' girl burst into tears and almost everyone who saw her crying blamed the teacher. I knew that student too, so I asked her what she had done, I asked my colleague what the student had done and here you go, the 'poor girl' told the teacher to 'suck d***k'. There appeared more students who heard the girl say it and they confirmed it but they fear to report it to the head. How can we protect ourselves from such lil snakes? Well if I were that teacher I wouldn't have reacted in front of her at all but would write a report to the head and call for parents to come and have a good talk with them because the open aggressive reaction is what those sneaky ones expect from you in order to show you in a bad light. I hope our head is reasonable enough and will find out all the details about the improper behaviour the student has been showing towards that teacher for about two years.

      So, the first piece of advice would be not to react emotionally when someone shows passive aggression and pretends to be polite. Hit back differently, show them you understand their motives and make them sure you do not give a shit about it but you would not have it. Or try to act so that you finally provoke open aggression from them so that they finally show their true colours to everyone.

      If we speak about internet, we meet those fakely polite users too. Let us take our well known islamic preacher who has disappeared as an example - he tried to be soooo polite but when people disagreed with his opinion he finally gave up and showed he was a wolf in a sheep's skin. Or there appear users who sound like know-it-all and wish to be recognized and admired but someone disagrees with their opinion and here you go, they start whining about bad site, wrong welcome which indicates their poor ability to deal with the fact that people are different and that once you say something others do not have to lick your arse to agree with you.

      You can easily protect yourself from such people only if you cut all ties with them or make them finally show their true colours which can easily happen because only unstable and hysterical, immature personalities use passive aggression and fake politeness when they're mad in order to hide their true butthurt but if you press the right buttons they can become openly aggressive and nasty. Expose them in such a way or leave them alone if possible. Do not overreact yourself, recognize those who are wolves in a sheep's skin, remain calm, start a conversation about the issue that might have provoked passive aggression so that the person realizes you notice their manipulations. Tell the person you understand they're upset but set limits, do not be lenient, be strong and firm about your actions back towards such a person, let them know you won't have them doing so to you. It is also very important not to share too much of a personal info so that those who love passive aggression would not use it against you in an openly aggressive way - sometimes a simple fact from your life make such sneaky individuals use it as a tool to insult you. Like for our super leftist Lauri it was enough to know I had a son and he used this fact to insult me as a mother all the time he disagreed with me. He was the example of both, passive and active aggression and ran away from here when he realized everyone saw his true intentions and colours.


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      • #4
        Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
        What do you think of people who try to present a veneer of politeness?
        Often it's just environmental adaptation because of avoiding pointless arguing with extremists, zealots and idiots.
        Sure, trying to escape from such people in a face-saving manner with a minimum of fuss.

        Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
        Other type of fake politeness is the group who tries to find somebody for a confrontation for the sake of gaining attention or other kind of benefits.
        Putting on a show of "being polite" is very much an aggressive act when your intentions are ultimately malicious. Often performed by those who are into power grabs.

        Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
        In what ways can people protect themselves from those who use fake politeness to manipulate people?
        If your argumentation is credible discussion with such manipulative person will transit very likely into emotional escalation with insults, intimidation and provocation.
        After this point is it mostly very easy to dismantle the credibility of such manipulator.
        I think that this is an instance where politeness is being used in a manipulative manner. It's often used as camouflage to disguise real intentions and to lull people - ultimately perhaps the worst and most brutal form of lying and general hypocrisy.

        But when such people are exposed, they tend to resort to the usual ad hominen bullshit and empty ranting to try and cover themselves.

        Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
        Should people expose others for exhibiting fake politeness? In what ways should they expose them?
        Mostly it's a fight against windmills, because such people even if you exposed them a day before come a day after with the same fake politeness as nothing had happened.
        Everybody has a reason for fake politeness, expose the true reason and you expose the person.
        So, when and where is it appropriate to expose the reason for the fake politeness? During the course of that person exhibiting that "politeness" or at another point in time?

        Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
        What are some other forms of non-genuine behaviour shown by people which are in contrast to their real intentions? How can you protect yourself from such people?
        I think the next one very common kind of manipulation is the peer pressure.
        However the psycho mechanic behind is very similar, "you're with us or against us."
        Often it's seen in individuals with agenda who try to emotionally blackmail those who are against their agenda. Interestingly, usually accompanied by the fake politeness mentioned previously.

        Comment


        • #5
          This what Etsia depicted is present as collective fake politeness.
          As a member of group of guys, we have bullied a guy till the moment he didn't came into the school. Teachers investigated accusation of the victim but every person in the class even those who didn't belong to our clique covered us with fake politeness that we are nice guys and didn't nothing wrong. In this case were teachers the targets of fake politeness of a cohesive group. The result was that the victim was expelled of the school and everybody seemed to be happy about that.
          Was it the fear toward our clique or hatred toward that guy the reason to cover up our evil deeds? I don't really know.
          The next one common type of fake politeness is an exclusive domain of women. They pretend to be interested in a relationship or friendship to other woman, sometimes they just mix-up usual business courtesy with hidden desire after something else, while they backstab their victims at certain moment and blame them to be too easy gullible and limited. This is in offices with majority of women daily bread and many females have very odd emotional needs.
          Males fake politeness is often the tactic of stroking someones ego for the sake of obtaining participation of particular person in less tempting event or just for some materialist benefits. If the target person says "f**k off" is mostly the opposite reaction in destruction of someones ego the case. As example where an employer who wants that his employees work at weekend, despite it's against their interest.

          Comment


          • #6
            Valid points but how do you know they are fake or not ?
            Politness is rare here dont know about there.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
              This what Etsia depicted is present as collective fake politeness.
              As a member of group of guys, we have bullied a guy till the moment he didn't came into the school. Teachers investigated accusation of the victim but every person in the class even those who didn't belong to our clique covered us with fake politeness that we are nice guys and didn't nothing wrong. In this case were teachers the targets of fake politeness of a cohesive group. The result was that the victim was expelled of the school and everybody seemed to be happy about that.
              Was it the fear toward our clique or hatred toward that guy the reason to cover up our evil deeds? I don't really know.
              It's exactly the same sort of behaviour exhibited by religious groups and the like when they want to get rid of someone. It's never simply a case of directly telling someone "they are not welcome". From what I've been told, it's also almost pretty standard behaviour in political parties - even those who make outward claims about "equality", "inclusiveness" and so on.

              Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
              The next one common type of fake politeness is an exclusive domain of women. They pretend to be interested in a relationship or friendship to other woman, sometimes they just mix-up usual business courtesy with hidden desire after something else, while they backstab their victims at certain moment and blame them to be too easy gullible and limited. This is in offices with majority of women daily bread and many females have very odd emotional needs.
              Ah, the game of establishing pecking orders. I've been very much a fly on the wall to such behaviour when teaching in places where the vast majority of those working there are women. It's almost constant warfare of "appearing nice" while at the same time stabbing to kill with stealth the other person with an ice pick.

              On the other hand, where there's more balanced numbers of men and women, this does not occur so often.

              Originally posted by Hades91 View Post
              Males fake politeness is often the tactic of stroking someones ego for the sake of obtaining participation of particular person in less tempting event or just for some materialist benefits. If the target person says "f**k off" is mostly the opposite reaction in destruction of someones ego the case. As example where an employer who wants that his employees work at weekend, despite it's against their interest.
              I suspect that women are just as good at stoking people's egos - both men and women - with flattery in order to manipulate someone.

              Comment


              • #8
                Shaun, you overreact the thing. Never been in Australia, but I live in Canada and I am originally from the country you are now living in. You know, in Bulgaria nobody is overpolite. Some people are quite straight to the point actually. All Balkan countries are characterized with straight-forward culture. Unlike Canada, where, at least in Toronto people are overpolite. Honestly this is a good thing. You can clearly differentiate who is faking it, but I don't care since we all follow the good manners thing.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                  Shaun, you overreact the thing. Never been in Australia, but I live in Canada and I am originally from the country you are now living in.
                  What I'd written in the OP was about fake politeness. Genuine politeness on the other hand does have a positive role in society.

                  Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                  You know, in Bulgaria nobody is overpolite.
                  I start asking myself where the scam is when people are being too polite with me

                  Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                  Some people are quite straight to the point actually. All Balkan countries are characterized with straight-forward culture.
                  Coming from rural Australia, this part of Balkan culture is something I'm very much at home with.

                  Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                  Unlike Canada, where, at least in Toronto people are overpolite. Honestly this is a good thing.
                  Even if it is honest politeness, then "being overpolite" can be in fact be impoliteness because you are overburdening the other person with your politeness and thus behaving in an impolite manner.

                  Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                  You can clearly differentiate who is faking it, but I don't care since we all follow the good manners thing.
                  Coming from a Bulgarian cultural background, then at a guess you went there with a cynical Bulgarian outlook regarding polite behaviour. Almost paradoxically, that made you better equipped to spot and deal with fakeness that many born and bred there can't easily spot.

                  Some fakeness is transparent, sometimes not.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    If I think of a particular group that exhibits fake politness, Americans come to mind. Either I just met bunch of them with fake smiles on their faces, or it's indeed distinctive feature to their culture, I don't know. It is annoying because you don't really know what a person is up to, yet I'd not equate it with passive aggression. Fake politness might be just a defensive mechanism, most innocent of those you can think of, or it's just how a person sets boundaries. Trying to knowingly discover real intentions is a waste of time, in my opinion. While a person can wear a mask of politeness for some time, eventually, there will be a trigger that will show who they are.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Yeah well, sometimes you don't necessarily like someone, but you just realise that putting up a fight isn't getting you anywhere, so you'll be nice and polite instead. It's called having some maturity.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by LadyJosh View Post
                        Yeah well, sometimes you don't necessarily like someone, but you just realise that putting up a fight isn't getting you anywhere, so you'll be nice and polite instead. It's called having some maturity.
                        Nope, it is called being being weak immature and not having the social skills to be diplomatic enough to tell the truth.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Goathika View Post
                          If I think of a particular group that exhibits fake politness, Americans come to mind.
                          Culturally, it is not only Americans who can be massively accepting of fake politeness. For example. I've seen it in Islamic culture and also from culture on the Indian subcontinent.

                          Originally posted by Goathika View Post
                          Either I just met bunch of them with fake smiles on their faces, or it's indeed distinctive feature to their culture, I don't know. It is annoying because you don't really know what a person is up to, yet I'd not equate it with passive aggression. Fake politness might be just a defensive mechanism, most innocent of those you can think of, or it's just how a person sets boundaries. Trying to knowingly discover real intentions is a waste of time, in my opinion.
                          Faking politeness might be a defensive mechanism "to avoid conflict" for various reasons, but often as not it is used in a very offensive manner to uncover your real intentions while at the same time obscuring theirs.

                          Originally posted by Goathika View Post
                          While a person can wear a mask of politeness for some time, eventually, there will be a trigger that will show who they are.
                          The trigger is usually a situation where the mask of politeness doesn't work against someone who ignores it completely. Once the bluff and bullshit "I'll be offended" defence is gone, then there's nothing else left to do but get angry.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            How can you fake a good manners and etiquette? But meanness knows a lot about politeness, delicacy, tact ...

                            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politeness

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by RaverWild View Post
                              Shaun, you overreact the thing. Never been in Australia, but I live in Canada and I am originally from the country you are now living in. You know, in Bulgaria nobody is overpolite. Some people are quite straight to the point actually. All Balkan countries are characterized with straight-forward culture. Unlike Canada, where, at least in Toronto people are overpolite. Honestly this is a good thing. You can clearly differentiate who is faking it, but I don't care since we all follow the good manners thing.
                              In the last few years, I have travelled to the Balkan countries a number of times. Most of the time, I found the people welcoming and polite. I did not feel it was fake politeness. At the same time, I knew it was not completely void of commercial objectives. I agree that in such a case, it remains a question of good manners. You find rude people everywhere. However, it is my experience that rude behaviour is more common the further northwest you go in Europe.

                              On Interpals, I, and I expect many more people, receive overly polite messages from people. Most come from places that make me very wary of their intentions. Many times, I ignore the messages. Sometimes, I like to see where it goes. Almost without exception, they will start to mirror whatever you write. That is a good indication that someone is trying to con you. Unfortunately, many people fall for these scams. That has very little to do with good manners.

                              Recently someone on Interpals started a thread. Every member that contradicted this member's statement was met with an overly polite reply that agreed with them and in a very condescending way. In another thread someone who tends to become abusive in almost any thread that member participates in also became overly polite in an attempt to get a sympathiser. It is textbook behaviour you will learn at management courses. It is intended to manipulate someone's behaviour. Sometimes this is a question of good manners. Sometimes, it is not.

                              I do not think it is an overreaction to pose the question if politeness is not always a "good manners thing" but also an instrument used by people with bad intentions?

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