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  • #16

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    • #17
      Originally posted by aussieinbg View Post

      Faking politeness might be a defensive mechanism "to avoid conflict" for various reasons, but often as not it is used in a very offensive manner to uncover your real intentions while at the same time obscuring theirs.

      The trigger is usually a situation where the mask of politeness doesn't work against someone who ignores it completely. Once the bluff and bullshit "I'll be offended" defence is gone, then there's nothing else left to do but get angry.

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      • #18

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Laura005 View Post
          I was raised to be polite. I generally am polite in all aspects of my life.
          in many cultures this is seen as deceitfulness in certain situations.
          I have seen several people coming back from the US and telling that people are sooo polite to you that they thought they are real friends and then flabbergasted had to notice that they don't act like they really were your friends.

          (have personally not made this bad experience up to now....perhaps because I'm aware of this difference)

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          • #20
            ?Have the words "common" and "courtesy" opposite values?

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            • #21
              I would recommend reading the OP and the post which I had written and not merely "skulk" over it - in order to ascertain what has actually been written prior to my response and prior to responding to what I've written.

              These are neither a polite nor impolite remarks - merely neutral observations.

              Hint: The OP was about all faking politeness, those who do so and how it should be handled.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Suna123 View Post

                in many cultures this is seen as deceitfulness in certain situations.

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                • #23
                  Genuine politeness is a very good feature in any person but those who scream I'm polite, I'm suuuuper polite and sound aggressive even in their written language aren't genuinely polite in my opinion. Fake politeness is a form of hypocrisy and passive aggression yet genuine politeness is a virtue.

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                  • #24
                    I can assure you there is no consense between cultures about that point.
                    The process of making friends and behavior towards strangers is quite differently in the world. The same behavior gets evaluated differently.

                    And as one of my English teachers taught me: when you get a thank you from an US-American and feel completely fooled because you think he/she exaggerates to no end....stay relaxed this is meant polite and serious and not meant to mock you. (and I later really got those messages)
                    Last edited by Suna123; 10-21-2018, 05:38 PM.

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                    • #25
                      But it is difficult to find genuine kindness in a society with refined manners.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                        n the last few years, I have travelled to the Balkan countries a number of times. Most of the time, I found the people welcoming and polite. I did not feel it was fake politeness. At the same time, I knew it was not completely void of commercial objectives. I agree that in such a case, it remains a question of good manners. You find rude people everywhere.
                        Manners in that respect is about both parties following an agreed protocol about behaviour - such as in business negotiations. If both sides agree implicitly or explicitly to that, then of course it is not fake behaviour but normal behaviour that both sides agree on in discourse.

                        Most in the Balkans for sure know to behave politely. However, if going through to politeness protocols is getting in the way of doing something and doesn't really serve any purpose in terms of making things run smoothly on a social level, they will drop very quickly. There's something to respect about that.

                        When with foreigners, they will be polite - much more so than people from their own country. It's all about them meeting people's expectations about "politeness" in the West. The politeness is genuine in this regard - trying to determine a protocol so that both sides can have things running smoothly.

                        On quite a few occasions when I've been speaking Bulgarian, people have been not so polite to me but nevertheless the conversation goes to the question of "where are you originally from?". People often assume that I must be from Russia because I speak Bulgarian with quite a lot of 3rd language interference from Russian and my accent is not so "Western". When I tell them that I'm not Russian but Australian, they either think I'm lying or they become very apologetic about "being so rude". I then usually inform them that there's no worries, I've lived in Bulgaria for some time and it's good that they are not "doing the polite thing" with me. After that, all is good

                        Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                        However, it is my experience that rude behaviour is more common the further northwest you go in Europe.
                        Perhaps rude because you can spot it more easily than someone from a different region?

                        Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                        On Interpals, I, and I expect many more people, receive overly polite messages from people. Most come from places that make me very wary of their intentions. Many times, I ignore the messages. Sometimes, I like to see where it goes. Almost without exception, they will start to mirror whatever you write. That is a good indication that someone is trying to con you. Unfortunately, many people fall for these scams. That has very little to do with good manners.
                        Scammers have for sure found the buttons to press for different groups. Just because they come from very different cultural regions such as in Western Africa or the former Eastern Block doesn't mean they don't understand what you fall for. Basically, people fall for it because they read the person as being "educated" from the manners exhibited and the mirroring behaviour further causes them to "let their guard down".

                        Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                        Recently someone on Interpals started a thread. Every member that contradicted this member's statement was met with an overly polite reply that agreed with them and in a very condescending way. In another thread someone who tends to become abusive in almost any thread that member participates in also became overly polite in an attempt to get a sympathiser. It is textbook behaviour you will learn at management courses. It is intended to manipulate someone's behaviour. Sometimes this is a question of good manners. Sometimes, it is not.
                        Social Engineering 101.

                        Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                        I do not think it is an overreaction to pose the question if politeness is not always a "good manners thing" but also an instrument used by people with bad intentions?
                        Part of the question in the OP is discussing and determining where the boundaries are.

                        Intentions are the key here I suspect. I think it all comes down to whether someone is trying to social engineer you against your conscious will to manipulate you even if their purported intentions are "good".

                        The one that comes to mind immediately are religious preachers who put on a very polite face and who work just about every social engineering trick in the book to try and hook you. The overly polite manner is all part of that of course. I can recall once being a fly on the wall listening to a couple of Mormons in Bulgaria speaking among themselves trying to make the English they were speaking "less clear to understand just in case the Bulgarians nearby knew some English". Fun!

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by aussieinbg View Post
                          Perhaps rude because you can spot it more easily than someone from a different region?
                          No, you can notice it in my country. People from Holland are rude compared to those from other parts of the country. They also are more direct and less hospitable.
                          I, personally, experienced people from around Cologne are ruder than those from most other parts of Germany.
                          The rudest European people I have come across on flights are the Swedes.
                          Last edited by Boliches; 10-21-2018, 09:03 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                            it is my experience that rude behaviour is more common the further northwest you go in Europe.
                            Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                            No, you can notice it in my country. People from Holland are rude compared to those from other parts of the country. They also are more direct and less hospitable.
                            I, personally, experienced people from around Cologne are ruder than those from most other parts of Germany.
                            The rudest European people I have come across on flights are the Swedes.
                            Interesting thesis. The most rude Germans apart from Berliners are indeed from the North in my observation as well. Especially the women are really unfriendly - doesn't matter if East or West Germany. People from Cologne are by far not the most unfriendly I would say. They are maybe not very friendly but at least funny....might be I think that because of their nice dialect only .

                            (Can't say anything about Scandinavia)
                            Last edited by Suna123; 10-22-2018, 02:30 PM.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Suna123 View Post



                              Interesting thesis. The most rude Germans apart from Berliners are indeed from the North in my observation as well. Especially the women are really unfriendly - doesn't matter if East or West Germany. People from Cologne are by far not the most unfriendly I would say. They are maybe not very friendly but at least funny....might be I think that because of their nice dialect only .

                              (Can't say anything about Scandinavia)
                              I lived in Aachen and worked in Cologne, Aachen and Hamburg. I have also been in many parts of Germany, either on holiday and visiting friends. I found the people in Hamburg rather relaxed and did not experience them as rude. In Cologne that was completely different. I am still undecided as to whether there, actually, lived people in Aachen. There was little life to detected during the weekend. On weekdays, I was in the office from 6 in the morning until 8 or 9 in the evening, so I cannot say much about weekdays.
                              Last edited by Boliches; 10-22-2018, 02:55 PM.

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Boliches View Post
                                No, you can notice it in my country. People from Holland are rude compared to those from other parts of the country. They also are more direct and less hospitable.
                                I, personally, experienced people from around Cologne are ruder than those from most other parts of Germany.
                                The rudest European people I have come across on flights are the Swedes.
                                Just a word first about "Holland" verses "The Netherlands". In English, "Holland" and "The Netherlands" often get used as synonyms for the same country. In reality, "Holland" is a couple of coastal provinces and "The Netherlands" is the whole country.

                                Holland however contains big cities such as Amsterdam and Rotterdam and, I guess, it is the most urbanised part of The Netherlands. On average, people from big cities tend to be "unfriendlier" than most. For example, Sydney would be by far the most unfriendly city in Australia.

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