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  • What do I do about this?

    Life seems like such a blizzard nowadays.

    Ever since this year has started, almost nothing even close to 'good' has happened. I've either had to force the good into my daily life, or I'd have to wait and be completely disappointed because it just wouldn't come around. I've been trying to date people the past month or so, and all of them apparently ended up confused and dazed about what they wanted themselves ~ they had allegedly told me that they wanted a relationship, but when talked about it upfront, they denied, saying "I'm looking for a relationship, just 'not yet'". And that really angered me because they left out those two words when asked about it over chat. This didn't happen once, this happened every time! I always ended up heartbroken and confused about how they could ever treat me like this, since I know for a fact that I told them everything I possibly could about me and what I wanted in a relationship (in a not-demanding manner).

    Everything was fine a year ago, suddenly things seem to go haywire. How am I supposed to positively react to this? It's like as soon as something near to happiness rolls around in my life, it goes running back as soon as it came. This has led me to believe that this year is a (I know it's stupid) curse over my head. I know that you have your ups and downs at dating and other parts in life and that you need to be gentle/patient with these kind of things, but when its happened over and over again, how do you react to it?
    I am chronically depressed, so this takes a toll on my depression because I have a tendency to magnify situations that go wrong and stress over it, even after its over.

    My friend say, "Hey! Atleast you're one step closer to a good relationship!", but it still doesn't seem to satisfy me.

    The bottom line is, how do you go about dealing with these kinds of things? How do I take in these experiences? I'm left dazed!

    Thanks in advance to everyone, I appreciate your help.

    - Vibhor

  • #2
    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down about your love life. I have a lot of thoughts about everything you have written, but it'd help to narrow my thoughts if you could mention something about:

    - Where you meet people.
    - How long you date people for (on average) before they step back.
    - What kind of treatment you are getting for your depression.
    - What you mean by:
    Originally posted by Vix_A View Post
    I know for a fact that I told them everything I possibly could about me and what I wanted in a relationship (in a not-demanding manner).

    It sounds to me like you are putting way, way, way too much importance and value in to something you don't have (a relationship)...so it makes sense to me that you are not happy. What you are doing is no different to what I would be doing if I constantly felt miserable, because I focus all of my attention on the Jumbo Jet and Yacht that I really want, but don't have. Of course I'm going to be unhappy if I'm dwelling on the things I don't have .
    Besides your negative focus (on what you don't have), you also say you have to force the good in your daily life. From this comment of your's, I'm sensing there might be a deeper rooted issue here: Your negative mentality / mindset. Possibly, your depression impacts the way you see life, but not necessarily. Only you know if your life is really THAT bad, or if it just seems THAT bad, because your attention is focused so much on everything that's wrong with it instead of what's right with it.

    Also, it sounds to me like you might be placing unfair and unwanted (on your dates' part) responsibilities on the people that you date - from what you have written, it does seem like you have too many and too high expectations to your dates:

    1) Just because someone is actively dating, doesn't mean they are ready to jump in to a serious relationship after a few dates.
    2) Just because you CHOOSE to tell someone everything about yourself, doesn't mean they owe you their life, commitment and loyalty in return. And do you even put as much effort in to getting to know everything about your dates as you put in to talking about yourself to them?
    3) I can imagine that serving EVERYTHING about yourself on a plate right away - or over a too short period of time - might be putting your dates off...because it's a way of coming off too strong. I don't exactly know what kind of things you are telling people about yourself, but it's always a good idea to not talk about your problems and issues before you have given someone the chance to get to know the positive, problem-free, reliable side of you. Imagine if a salesman tried to sell you a product and he started off by saying, "so, this vacuum cleaner is actually quite bad. It doesn't vacuum that well, you have to change the bag too often and you can't really use it on carpets...but hey! It looks really nice and it's very compact - perfect to fit in to your cupboard! Wanna buy it?". No, no one would buy that vacuum cleaner.
    "Sell" your good sides to your dates before you "sell" your bad ones.


    My advice for you is to relax a bit, take a step back and teach yourself to stop relying on a relationship in order to be happy. Not only is it unfair to yourself and a potential partner that you put your entire happiness in her hands, but it's not actually a human right to be in a relationship. Nor are there any insurance companies in this world that offer you, or anyone else, a boyfriend or girlfriend guarantee in this life. If you want a girlfriend, then be the kind of guy a girl would want as her boyfriend. Someone who's happy, content, confident in himself, has his life put together and has something positive to offer. By the sounds of it, you are not that guy yet. So make it your project to be that guy. Work on yourself and your mental health...and who knows, whilst you are doing that, someone special might come your way.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by SteraDora View Post
      I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down about your love life. I have a lot of thoughts about everything you have written, but it'd help to narrow my thoughts if you could mention something about:

      - Where you meet people.
      - How long you date people for (on average) before they step back.
      - What kind of treatment you are getting for your depression.
      - What you mean by:



      It sounds to me like you are putting way, way, way too much importance and value in to something you don't have (a relationship)...so it makes sense to me that you are not happy. What you are doing is no different to what I would be doing if I constantly felt miserable, because I focus all of my attention on the Jumbo Jet and Yacht that I really want, but don't have. Of course I'm going to be unhappy if I'm dwelling on the things I don't have .
      Besides your negative focus (on what you don't have), you also say you have to force the good in your daily life. From this comment of your's, I'm sensing there might be a deeper rooted issue here: Your negative mentality / mindset. Possibly, your depression impacts the way you see life, but not necessarily. Only you know if your life is really THAT bad, or if it just seems THAT bad, because your attention is focused so much on everything that's wrong with it instead of what's right with it.

      Also, it sounds to me like you might be placing unfair and unwanted (on your dates' part) responsibilities on the people that you date - from what you have written, it does seem like you have too many and too high expectations to your dates:

      1) Just because someone is actively dating, doesn't mean they are ready to jump in to a serious relationship after a few dates.
      2) Just because you CHOOSE to tell someone everything about yourself, doesn't mean they owe you their life, commitment and loyalty in return. And do you even put as much effort in to getting to know everything about your dates as you put in to talking about yourself to them?
      3) I can imagine that serving EVERYTHING about yourself on a plate right away - or over a too short period of time - might be putting your dates off...because it's a way of coming off too strong. I don't exactly know what kind of things you are telling people about yourself, but it's always a good idea to not talk about your problems and issues before you have given someone the chance to get to know the positive, problem-free, reliable side of you. Imagine if a salesman tried to sell you a product and he started off by saying, "so, this vacuum cleaner is actually quite bad. It doesn't vacuum that well, you have to change the bag too often and you can't really use it on carpets...but hey! It looks really nice and it's very compact - perfect to fit in to your cupboard! Wanna buy it?". No, no one would buy that vacuum cleaner.
      "Sell" your good sides to your dates before you "sell" your bad ones.


      My advice for you is to relax a bit, take a step back and teach yourself to stop relying on a relationship in order to be happy. Not only is it unfair to yourself and a potential partner that you put your entire happiness in her hands, but it's not actually a human right to be in a relationship. Nor are there any insurance companies in this world that offer you, or anyone else, a boyfriend or girlfriend guarantee in this life. If you want a girlfriend, then be the kind of guy a girl would want as her boyfriend. Someone who's happy, content, confident in himself, has his life put together and has something positive to offer. By the sounds of it, you are not that guy yet. So make it your project to be that guy. Work on yourself and your mental health...and who knows, whilst you are doing that, someone special might come your way.


      Hello Astera.

      Thanks for replying.

      I've met people from friends of friends and also from dating applications (as the norm is nowadays). I've dated people for atleast 3-4 weeks before they start stepping back, because at that point I feel like it's good enough to start telling them about me.

      I'm getting therapeutic treatment for my depression, that would include verbal talking with my therapist and also anti-depressants that have been given to me by my psychiatrist.

      What I meant by your quoted sentence that I wrote was that I had made it clear to them that I wanted a serious relationship and that I had little to no expectations from them in the sense that I just wanted them to provide as much love as they could, regardless of age or religion or whatsoever. When I said I told them everything about me, I meant that I had told them everything bad about me beforehand, so they could sort of 'brace' themselves if they were going to work things out with me.
      Now that you have mentioned that I should be doing the opposite - as in show them the good side of me and then the bad, I've now understood that it probably did come off as very strong for them.

      And yes, I do try to know everything about my dates as much as I let them know about me. I do try, definitely.

      Just because someone is actively dating, doesn't mean they are ready to jump in to a serious relationship after a few dates.
      But, why not? I mean, you make your intentions clear about having a relationship, both sides go on to date, so wouldn't it be natural that the date should only assume that the other person is willing to have a relationship with them after a certain amount of dates? That confuses me.

      Comment


      • #4
        SteraDora couldn't have said it all better...

        Theres nothing wrong with laying out that you want a relationship right from the start. But don't need to lay out everything bad about you right off the bat. Thats what dating is for..to get to know one another..everything from good to bad. Let topics of good and bad come of their own accord between you and whoever. Don't push things.

        If i told my boyfriend up front everything bad about me in that first month of dating and how crazy my family could be, chances are we wouldnt be where we are today. It look like a month and a bit for me to ask my boyfriend out. We didn't assume that after a month of going on dates that we would be in a relationship.We both wanted one and that intent was clear from the start.

        And yes you would think after so long you would have a relationship, but some people don't want the commitment or have gotten scared off by you .. same thing with marriage.You would think after being together so long marriage would be the next step. It isn't always that black and white. People change their minds.

        Its like opening pandoras box to someone who is not ready for whats inside.

        Basically..dont push it. Let things come naturally and fall into place.

        Comment


        • #5
          ^^ Guess I'll just lessen my search and let "things come naturally and fall into place".

          Comment

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