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A crisis of the heart.

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  • Vix_A
    started a topic A crisis of the heart.

    A crisis of the heart.

    Alright, so I'm quite literally stuck at a fork end right now. There is a guy I have been talking to for 2 weeks who I met online. Both of us had very similar interests and he's even in a profession where I will be in the future too. Our conversations were very "glossy" and smooth -- it had a very pleasant natural flow to it. He hinted many times that he was interested in me. I had made it clear to him that I was looking for something long term even though I might have a small possibility that I decide to go for higher studies in another country. That seemed to irk him a bit and he asked about why I was even looking for something stable when I had the possibility of leaving; wouldn't I hurt my partner that way? My answer to that was that even if I did, the most that would happen would be that I would go study for a while, visit in between OR settle down there and call him over OR just see what the future holds regardless because I still have the same possibility of staying in the current country I'm living in and settle down here if I manage to join the profession I want to. That seemed to give him some sort of satisfactory feeling of content but he never clarified what exactly he thought of it in the end.
    So, after a week of talking about our interests, our passions, our past relationships, our dislikes, our families, etc we finally met up. It was a great day and it felt exactly like the first time I was in a relationship - it was a good fuzzy warm feeling in my heart. I fell for him very hard, even though it had only been a bit over a week. Why? His presence, his vibes, his aura made me feel good. I wasn't wanting to date him out of loneliness, I wanted to genuinely have him in my life and take care of him. And the way he opened up even more that day about everything going on in his mind gave me yet another signal that he trusted me. It was a very affectionate day, to say the least. At one point he felt so comfortable that the words "I feel secure with someone after such a long time" slipped out of his mouth and completely mesmerized me. He really did feel good with me even after the horrendous things he's been through in the past (ex's cheating, using him and what not)....which is what happened to make him take a drastic decision the day after we met.
    I got a text from him the next day after he was acting cold and distant after we met, where he revealed something: "the things that have happened to me in the past have made me a very cold person whose not able to show his emotions properly anymore. I know that you're way more into me than I'm into you and it's not fair for either of us to get hurt. I think it's better we stay friends and see where this goes. I know what I want and it's not a relationship for now, with you or anyone else." ~ The message completely tore my heart. How could I look at him as a friend after falling for him romantically? After the comfortable signals I got from him....how? I would never be able to do that and I know it for a fact. I've tried something very similar in the past with my ex because I wanted him in my life for who he was but the love died down from his side, but in the end I was the one whose self esteem dropped because I couldn't do the 'stay friends' thing while being in front of him and having romantic feelings spark up in my heart. It's the same with this guy and I know there's a very good possibility that it's gonna happen again if I make the same decision. I'm too emotionally drained to take on any more pain like that whatsoever and I've made it a priority recently (before I even knew who this current guy was) to place my well being in front of anything else because in the past I used to do the complete opposite: put other's well being before mine. It's this very reason that I'm so emotionally drained currently and scared about taking a risk with what he wants from me...knowing that it'll leave me horridly crushed if it doesn't work out as friends either.
    I haven't said anything back to this guy apart from "Ok, I need some time to make a decision". He's been trying to text me and get a hold of me ever since but I've only been able to send back very distant and bland replies because I'm grieving; grieving the fact that a guy that I connected so well with, someone who felt secure with me, was able to reciprocate his emotions with me, was able to like me as a person and acknowledge the genuine being I am.....won't ever be mine because of his past. The thought has been breaking me apart since he's sent that text and I've been acting like I'm going through a breakup because of how strong my feelings were for him.
    I don't know what's wrong because I've analyzed every small detail of conversation since I've first started talking to him and there's not a single instance where it feels like he might have a possibility of retreating or anything that I did that made him feel the way that he did suddenly. It's just his past that he refuses to let go of...he's afraid of showing his feelings again because that would make him vulnerable and he might get hurt again. And I've done everything possible to reassure him that I'm not that kind of person, but he stands his ground. It hurts me so much to see that he showed signs of interest and trust and all of a sudden he's made this sort of decision.. It's crushed me.

    About the fork's end: what do I do? Do I try to be friends with him and see if it develops into anything else or do I just stop seeing him entirely and move on? Or is trying to be friends with him and also seeing someone else side by side an option? Even though I don't wanna hurt him like that..... I know for a fact that even if I try to be friends with him, I won't be able to stop my romantic feelings towards him. It'll kill me -- knowing he's right there but I can't have him.
    I need advice and any suggestions on what to do about this. I'm completely shattered right now and need help.

    Thank you in advance to anyone who helps me out, I appreciate it very much. <3
    Last edited by Vix_A; 12-25-2017, 12:37 PM.

  • Vix_A
    replied
    Thanks for the replies guys. I've moved on from the event....but the residue still remains in my thoughts.

    Leave a comment:


  • loony-moonchild
    replied
    Please use more spaces.

    Leave a comment:


  • corentinblue
    replied
    Love = friendship + sex, and friendship is the basis. If you can stay friends, I can tell you that you'll have, indeed, more than your eyes to cry :-) . Not so bad.

    Leave a comment:


  • Etsia
    replied
    You're a young person who just start having romantic feelings towards certain people, who can easily fall for people and who is looking for emotional support, communication I guess. I think people need more time to get to know each other and decide about their relationships. My advice would be to communicate and see what comes out of it without taking this relations as a failure, just enjoy communication and see what happens. The guy you talked to is scared to feel committed because of the past and it is understandable. Things take time but in your post above I've read you have decided not to contact him any more, well, I guess you should act the way that you won't get hurt and if you believe you should move on, just believe that in some time you'll actually see that life goes on, even if there aren't certain people around.

    Leave a comment:


  • Vix_A
    replied
    Originally posted by Hylorean2 View Post
    I don't know if you are still checking this post for answers to your question, but I would like to respond. Hopefully you will get to read it.
    First, I think that you 'skipped' ahead; when you mentioned that you went straight to romantic attraction ahead of getting to know your guy better. It's always a good thing to get to know someone better and see what kind of person they are first before you let your heart do your thinking for you. That can lead to a lot of pain and anguish if you are rejected, and it seems that already you were disappointed by his natural reaction (which seemed very sincere and honest, so you knew where he stood). Falling so quickly for someone that you barely know is never a good idea, which suggests to me that you are alone too much, making you oversensitive to someone's attentions (just an observation, I could be wrong).
    Second, your statement saying that you are already shattered makes this situation that much more difficult, but not impossible to resolve. I won't tell you what to do. You have to make that decision yourself. But no matter what, you need to not let yourself go any farther, if you can. You both know where you are at with this, so I would proceed carefully with your eyes wide open. Don't let something so meaningful degenerate into sorrow. I think you would be the one that would suffer the most. Also bear in mind this is too new. Stand back and talk more with this guy and get his views on things and socialize, if that isn't too difficult. If you can't then you are doing what is called 'adding insult to injury' by staying so close. Think about that. I know my advice won't do much to decide what you need to do, but count this as support from an understanding stranger. I went through the same situation as you too many times to talk about. And lastly, don't forget another old saying: 'there are plenty of fish in the sea'. Hope that helps!

    I definitely did happen to check this post again today after all that time. Time healed everything I guess! I had to part ways with him. The situation had just become ridiculously fragile and both of us knew it was gonna end in flames so we stopped talking. Yes, I did definitely hurt the most. I don't know about him but I know he's doing much better and I wish better for him too.
    I fell for him after a week of getting to know him. Calls and texts. Which were in their own way real, but not as real as the day I met him. Regardless, I fell when my mind and my heart supposedly told me that he's a genuine person whose very interesting. And he was! It's just his emotional unavailability that did the devils work. I still miss him from time to time, but that'll fade away too like the fresh pain did after that ordeal. I wish I could turn back time and change things, but then so does everyone after doing a mistake. I've learnt and I'll rise from this experience, hopefully....you can't ever be sure of the heart's ways anyway -- things could change with the way your heart thinks literally in a heartbeat.

    Leave a comment:


  • Hylorean2
    replied
    I don't know if you are still checking this post for answers to your question, but I would like to respond. Hopefully you will get to read it.
    First, I think that you 'skipped' ahead; when you mentioned that you went straight to romantic attraction ahead of getting to know your guy better. It's always a good thing to get to know someone better and see what kind of person they are first before you let your heart do your thinking for you. That can lead to a lot of pain and anguish if you are rejected, and it seems that already you were disappointed by his natural reaction (which seemed very sincere and honest, so you knew where he stood). Falling so quickly for someone that you barely know is never a good idea, which suggests to me that you are alone too much, making you oversensitive to someone's attentions (just an observation, I could be wrong).
    Second, your statement saying that you are already shattered makes this situation that much more difficult, but not impossible to resolve. I won't tell you what to do. You have to make that decision yourself. But no matter what, you need to not let yourself go any farther, if you can. You both know where you are at with this, so I would proceed carefully with your eyes wide open. Don't let something so meaningful degenerate into sorrow. I think you would be the one that would suffer the most. Also bear in mind this is too new. Stand back and talk more with this guy and get his views on things and socialize, if that isn't too difficult. If you can't then you are doing what is called 'adding insult to injury' by staying so close. Think about that. I know my advice won't do much to decide what you need to do, but count this as support from an understanding stranger. I went through the same situation as you too many times to talk about. And lastly, don't forget another old saying: 'there are plenty of fish in the sea'. Hope that helps!

    Leave a comment:


  • dmitri11
    replied
    Crisis of the heart or verbal diarrhea?

    Leave a comment:

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