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I need advices for my essay!

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  • I need advices for my essay!

    Hi ppl! I am studying for a profiency test. I need advices on my essays. I will appreciate if you can help me.

    Here is an argumentative essay that i wrote recently:

    Should Parents Be Held Responsible for the Crimes of Their Children?

    We are living in 21st era and crime rates are increasing gradually day by day. If we check the statistics of crimes, we can find out that there are criminals who are from 7 years old to 70 years old. There are lots of factors of increasing crime rates. Education is one of the major factors in these increasing crime factors. And family is the main educator factor in a person's life. Therefore parents should be held responsible for the crimes of their children.

    Some people think that parents shouldn't be held responsible for the crimes of their children by claiming that parents can't affect their kid's characteristics completely. But psychological and social experiments assert that early education in the family is a big factor for child's characteristics. So it is possible to alter children's behaviours in a good family.

    In the other hand, social status of a family determines the lifestyle of the child. Therefore parents should have a good financial condition. First of all, a good nutrition is important for child development and parents should be able to provide good nutrition. Second benefit of the good financial condition is the opportunity of paid activities in a good and healthy environment. Activities which are held by professionals helps children for getting better traits and behaviours. Also good activites avoid children from the dangerous and bad actions by spending their time.

    Parents are resposible for the quality of the child's school and teachers. Teachers are huge factors for the child's behaviours, also friends in school are huge factors. Therefore if you want a good educated child without bad habbits, you have to find a good school and good teachers for your child.

    To be concise, parents with good habbits and good financial conditions provide a better life for children and avoid them from bad habbits like stealing, bullying and murdering. Therefore if we are having problems like children crime, we are free to blame parents for this situation.
    Last edited by ozerardaix; 07-07-2018, 04:10 PM.

  • #2
    I think it's a really good one, did your teacher/professor check it too?


    • #3
      Originally posted by MotifSky
      The example of essay which you shared here looks good but I think that you need to find a special studying resource or a personal writing tutor for discussing and improving your works Only a good teacher/professor can indentify all mistakes you can have in it.
      Anyway from my own experience with essay writing I can say that the most popular mistakes in their case are:
      - absence of one clear thesis in your whole work
      - absence of revelant details, concrete examples and facts for making it more 'heavy'
      - weak introduction and conclusion
      - general low level of vocabulary, grammar and style
      - possible plagiarism because of absence of keeping track of all resources you used for your writing
      - too many cliche
      - word repetition and too many passive structures
      I think that for improving essay writing skills any student should concentrate the first of all on these things. Your teacher/professor should be the main helper in this case, also you can find a writing tutor in students' organizations and special service VIRUS for individual lessons too. It's a popular practice before starting the colleger or during its first year of studying (because essays at universities/colleges vary greatly from the school ones).
      Your influence spam links contain viruses


      • #4
        superb so very superb


        • #5
          Originally posted by fitrip99 View Post
          superb so very superb
          You are so very welcome


          • #6
            I didn't have a very close look at this essay but have noticed several mistakes of different type. First, you should write a clearer thesis statement, then I've noticed a logical mistake in the sentence 'Education is one of the major factors in these increasing crime factors' - not it's not, on the contrary, education helps, crimes do not happen because of education which this sentence of the OP actually means. You should rewrite this part so that it sounds logical.

            Also, correct the phrase 'in the other hand', it's on the other hand. Activities help, not helps, activities cannot avoid, this word is wrongly used here, useful activities 'prevent children from doing wrong things..' while a person can avoid smth. Also, 'by spending their time' should be changed too. The sentence should be like this for example 'Useful activities can prevent children from doing something wrong, from committing crimes' and that's it. Also, use indefinite article 'a child's' because you aren't speaking about any particular child. You can avoid being redundant by saying 'Teachers, as well as parents, have a huge influence on a child's development and behaviour'.

            Again the word 'avoid' is used wrongly in this situation ' provide a better life for children and avoid them from bad habbits...' Use the word 'prevent' instead of 'avoid'. By the way, it is not logical to call stealing, murder and bullying 'bad habbits', they're crimes. So in my opinion the sentences should be written like this '.....provide a better life for children and prevent them from committing serious crimes like stealing, bullying or even murder. Parents giving the right examples of behaviour themselves can usually prevent children from committing serious crimes like....I would also change the last sentence like 'Therefore, if a child commits crimes, it is definitely possible to put a big part of the blame on a child's parents.'

            I'd also like to explain to you how to use the word 'advice' - you should use it like this ' I need some pieces of advice' or I want yo to give me some advice or I want you to advise me.' Do not use this word in plural form.

            Hope it was at least a little helpful to you. Good luck!


            • #7
              Originally posted by ozerardaix View Post
              ... Education is one of the major factors in these increasing crime factors ...
              Allahu Akbar!


              • #8
                Dear Ozer,

                As a portuguese native speaker, I will not talk a lot about linguistic aspects of your essay. You wrote it in english, so I'll leave it for the english experts,

                However, as a jurist, your essay intrigues me in a few points, which I will enumerate, to make it easier to visualize:

                1) When you say there is "scientific evidence", you should be a bit more specific. Nowadays, there's "scientific evidence" even for people that claim that the earth is flat. If you don't give a minimum idea of where you got this reference, it feels like you made that up.

                2) The premisses are bland and the conclusion is even more bland. You start saying that how our parents educate us matter. But, in the next paragraph, you also say that other social conditions, like our peers and teachers also matter. Why, therefore, in your conclusion, only parents should be held responsible for their children's crimes? To me, it doesn't make sense. If you want to make the point that parents should be held responsible, in my opinion, you should remove the parts where you talk about other people and focus on your central argument.

                3) When we talk about criminal law, at least in the western world, a few things seem unconceivable: (i) criminally punishing children and adolescents for offenses they commit and (ii) criminally punishing parents for offenses their children commit. You see, depriving someone's freedom is already something very complicated when we talk about adults. Should children and teenagers that commit crimes be sent to jail? When we talk about children, the way children perceive life and how life passes is different from how adults do. Because children have lived less than adults. The more we live, the more we see life as a routine. Those times when we're under 18 are essential for defining who will we be when we "grow up" and, putting children in jail, a place where they won't learn how to socialize and learn how to live is just a complete mess.
                When you talk about punishing parents, you make me a bit confused. Parents can be held responsible to pay amends to those that suffered due to their children's acts. Nothing to declare about that. However, if you want to criminally punish parents for what their children do, I'd really like to imagine in what kind of world do you want to live in. At least in the western world, where I live, its off limits to blame someone for something they haven't participated. Raising kids would be tragic for parents, to say the least.

                It was a good essay, though! I don't know your background or how old are you, but it was well written! Congrats!


                • #9
                  Must say I'm unconvinced. Not one single person has mentioned the UN Human Rights Convention. Ask yourself why Scandinavian countries allow deranged teenagers to go on shooting sprees and send the culprits back to their families if they're under 15; rather than put them in Jail? If that was UK, such culprits could be taken away from their families aged only 10. What makes Norway think that it knows best?

                  So the main reason for asking such questions is to fundamentally recognise that all countries have different ages of criminal responsibility. A good essay would compare and contrast not only the reasons for this, but also look at the consequences. Ask yourself what UN Human Rights Commissioners have said in their judgments against various Politicians (not mentioning any names). Are their judgements clouded by their own ethnicity? Probably yes.

                  Ergo: If writing for UK, I would point out that Britain has one of the LOWEST ages of criminal culpability (10). Did the OP know that? As for evidence? Must produce evidence on actual cases such as the well documented BULGER case.
                  Last edited by look4swissmiss; 03-16-2019, 07:57 PM.