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Question: is this WIP clear to a non native English speaker?

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  • Question: is this WIP clear to a non native English speaker?

    I am trying to write a speak more clearly, but I hear i use a lot of literary references and metaphors.


    If Said in Poetic Terms


    Good night,
    Miss, if said one last time,
    in poetic terms,
    the sun has set on my heart
    would destroy the universe
    It has to end anyway.
    It is only a matter of time.
    I will make it easy, now.

    We were like binary pulsars.
    But there are many stars in the sky.
    I am the darkness of the night
    wondering, "who is the brightest star?"
    But maybe we are still a binary
    named in some poetic terms.

    If said in poetic terms,
    the sun has set on my heart
    would destroy the universe
    Yet one's sunset is the other's sunrise.
    Earth still revolves around the sun,
    the one we both see, still sets and rises.

    Here and now appreciate it, but never do it after.
    I don't want to console my heart from memories past.
    Sometimes I miss you so much.
    even if I'm not there. i want to hear from you
    by post card and letter

    if i dream of being all alone
    and cry in the night,
    console the emptiness i feel in my heart
    because you fill me with love, caring, and friendship.

    but if little by little you stop loving me,
    little by little i will stop loving you.
    if you forget me, i will forget you.
    if you leave, then i will leave too.

    So good night,
    Miss, if said for the last time.

    Console the emptiness i will feel.
    Let all your dreams come true.
    Always be happy even when you cry.
    Find those who support you,
    unconditionally.

    something here

    Come in the spring. You are welcome with open arms
    to see the bluebonnets, to smell them in the air
    and the Indian paint brushes and pink buttercups
    along the side of the road

    drive through the country to pick flowers
    visit an orchard to eat peaches
    when the blackberries bloom
    and the dew berries make wine

    i can cook all the southern favorites
    for picnics in the cool morning
    on the capitol lawn as the birds sing,
    the blue jays and red cardinals.

    shade, rivers, pecans. blue skies,
    cool breeze in the warm sun
    or even the rain

    stay up in the quiet night
    and listening to the dogs bark
    or maybe even a pack of coyotes
    and the trains

    One's sunset is the other's sunrise,
    Good mornin

  • #2
    it’s crystal clear to me.

    Comment


    • #3
      Roger that

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for the responses, guys. It really helps, and I appreciate them.

        Comment


        • #5
          Updated version;

          If Said in Poetic Terms


          Good night,
          Miss, if said one last time,
          in poetic terms,
          the sun has set on my heart
          would destroy the universe.
          It has to end anyway.
          It is only a matter of time.
          I will make it easy--now.

          We were like binary pulsars.
          But there are many stars in the sky.
          I am the darkness of the night
          wondering, "who is the brightest star?"
          But maybe we are still a binary
          named in some poetic terms.

          If said in poetic terms,
          the sun has set on the universe
          would destroy my heart

          Yet one's sunset is the other's sunrise.
          Earth still revolves around the sun,
          the one we both see, still sets and rises.

          Here and now appreciate it,
          but never do it after.
          I don't want to console my heart from memories past.
          Sometimes I miss you so much.
          even if I'm not here or there,
          i want to hear from you
          by post card and letter

          if i dream of being all alone
          and cry in the night,
          console the emptiness i feel in my heart
          because you fill me with love,
          caring, and friendship.

          but if little by little you stop loving me,
          little by little i will stop loving you.
          if you forget me, i will forget you.
          if you leave, then i will leave too.

          So good night,
          Miss, if said for the last time.
          Console the emptiness i will feel.
          Let all your dreams come true.
          Always be happy even when you cry.
          Enjoy all the cute things in life.
          Find those who support you,
          unconditionally.

          Here and now appreciate it
          i love you as a friend and person
          i dont have to console my heart with memories past.
          we can make future memories

          Come in the spring. You are welcome with open arms
          to see the bluebonnets, to smell them in the air
          and the Indian paint brushes and pink buttercups
          along the side of the road

          we can drive through the country to pick flowers
          visit an orchard to eat peaches and watermelons
          when the pecans fall
          when the blackberries bloom
          when the dew berries make wine
          and the cacti bloom

          i can cook all the southern favorites
          for picnics in the cool morning
          on the capitol lawn as the birds sing,
          the blue jays and red cardinals.

          blue skies blow a cool breeze in the warm sun
          where we take refuge in the shade
          and the san marcos river all season long
          even the rain as it waters the land
          and fill the aquifers and rivers

          we can stay up in the quiet night
          in the country near a small town
          to see the Texas stars
          and listening to the dogs bark
          or maybe even a pack of coyotes
          and the trains passing through

          One's sunset is the other's sunrise,
          Good morning

          I will recite this. If anyone wants to hear it, message me.
          Last edited by _loki; 04-19-2019, 12:14 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by _loki View Post
            Updated version;

            when the pecans fall
            when the blackberries bloom
            when the dew berries make wine
            and the cacti bloom

            Hey, what rhymes with bloom? ... I know — bloom!

            Anyway, for a non native English speaker this one it's not much of a challenge, although, I'd say it's rather for advanced English speakers.

            Comment


            • #7
              Question: what do you think about the emotional expression? Is it too intimate?

              Comment

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